Toby was sexually versatile but preferred to be the top.
![two fat gay men two fat gay men](https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2580/4066234934_8ab9cacde2_b.jpg)
Toby almost never made a date to see any of these men a second time. But if the other man did not bring up the topic, Toby wound up going along with whatever the other man wanted to do sexually, even if it meant having UAI. If a sexual partner initiated the use of condoms for anal sex, Toby said he felt relieved and gladly used them. He said he never discussed HIV status with the men he went home with unless the other man initiated the discussion.
![two fat gay men two fat gay men](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/f5/b8/df/f5b8df19535fd62feba23cf7ee33e073.jpg)
Toby did not seek out barebacking, but he allowed it to happen if the other man wanted to do it. At the end of the night he would usually end up going home with someone he had just met. He said it helped him lose his inhibitions and cut loose on the dance floor. Typically, during those outings, he would take MDMA (Ecstasy) and smoke marijuana. He did have a group of people with whom he would go to clubs to dance a few times a month. Because of his intense focus on work, Toby had not taken the time to cultivate deep friendships. His last relationship ended during his final year of graduate school, after 2 years, and he had not had another partner in almost 10 years. A successful and ambitious architect, he worked exceptionally long hours to make partner in his firm. Toby is a white, 35-year-old, HIV-negative gay man who came to see me because of depression and loneliness. Octave, The Rules of the Game, Jean Renoir, 1939 Toby, a Passive Barebacker And on Wednesdays we wear pink."The terrible thing in this world is that everyone has his reasons." You know, gay it forward, be the change you want to see in the world, etc, etc. Oh, and don't fuck with others who use that kind of language. One simple solution we can all do, however, is to stop broadcasting ignorance and prejudice-like, if you're filling out a dating profile maybe, I dunno, leave out the "no fats, femmes, etc." bullshit. And otters and cubs and others in this sexual menagerie that reject and subvert the idea of the ideal body. There's no simple solution to fixing generations of this antifat bias-the idolization of the male body has always been part and parcel of gay culture-but that's why we have bears. A problem that is exacerbated by the media and perpetuated by hookup culture. It only confirms what so many of us have experienced and further illustrates a problem that it seems has plagued gay men for as long as anything resembling a gay community has existed. The results aren't surprising, which is perhaps the worst part of this study. So not only do gay men face antifat bias, regardless of actual weight, we also expect our peers to exhibit the same kind of behavior in our pursuit of love, or what have you. These men also reported that the most common form of antifat bias they received was from potential romantic partners, which was associated with several types of body image disturbance. The first study found that out of 215 gay men, age 18 to 78, over one third of them had directly experienced antifat bias, even though most of them were not overweight using common body mass index guidelines.
#Two fat gay men professional
"Fat Chance! Experiences and Expectations of Antifat Bias in the Gay Male Community"-or, as I'd like to refer to it, "The Mean Gays Report"-used two studies to explore just how antifat gay men are, because simply logging into Grindr doesn't carry quite the same professional heft.
![two fat gay men two fat gay men](https://live.staticflickr.com/3071/3069706030_6ece81107f_b.jpg)
A recent study in Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity refers to this as the more scientific-sounding "antifat bias." If you self-identify as a gay, bisexual and/or otherwise queer man, and you're breathing air, you've probably experienced, witnessed or perpetrated some form of fat shaming.